Beer Jokes

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

A guy who has already had quite a few beers enters an already very busy bar and says to the bartender, give me a beer, give everyone in the place a beer and have one yourself. The bartender serves everyone a beer and draws one for himself. He walks over to the benefactor, toasts him and asks for his money. The man tells him that ran out of money a long while back. The bartender physically ejects him from the bar and deposits him prone on the sidewalk. The man picks himself up and strides back into bar. He crawls on a stool and says to the bartender "give me a beer and give everyone here a beer, but none for you, you get too mean when you drink".

Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews. Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said "you asshole, now we have to piss in the boat."

Bubba and Bubba Jr. were driving down an Arkansas back road drinkin' some Budweisers when they spotted a Police roadblock ahead. Bubba Jr says: 'Dad, are we gonna get caught drinking and driving again?' Bubba pulls off the road and says: No, son. Finish your beer, peel off the label and stick it on your forehead, stash the bottle under the seat and I'll do the talkin' They pull up to the roadblock and are stopped, the officer asks 'You boyz been drinkin?' No, Bubba says, we're on the patch!

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1. When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife. "He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."

Yesterday, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started to talk nonsense and couldn't drive.

The ABCs of Beer

A-Alcohol:The key to surviving college
B-Beer:The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging
C-Class:What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
D-Dancing:A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E-Emergency:The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F-Fucked Up:Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G-Games:Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers
H-Hang-over:Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I-Idiot:The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party
J-Jail:Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
K-Kissing:What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L-Lord:Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M-Money:That which you no longer have due to too much partying
N-Not Again!:What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know
O-Oh shit!-What you say as you're falling down the stairs.
P-Pee:What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Q-quilt:What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning-YUCK!
R-Reform:What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet
S-Sex:What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
T-Ten:The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
U-Underage:Most of the drinking population in college town
V-Vodka:The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour
W-Worm:The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow
X-X-Ray:How they can see into your stomach before they pump it
Y-Yourself:The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Z-Zoned:How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking

A string walks into a bar, hops on the bar stool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Disappointed, the string hops down from the stool and goes to the next bar. He hops on the bar stool and says, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." The string continues down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hops on the barstool and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." Each time, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Finally he gets to the last bar in the area. He's tired, he's sweaty, all he wants is a beer. He trudges inside, climbs on the barstool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here." Pissed off, the string walks outside to think. He's a hard-working string. He deserves a beer. Finally, he comes up with an idea. He twists himself up and musses up his hair, then heads back into the bar. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" Bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied McAteer. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out," said the Irishman.

Q: How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

An Irishman stumbles out of a bar and is spied by a Constable. The Constable approaches...

C: Can I help ya lad?
I: Yea, SSSSomebody ssstol my car!
C: Well, wheer was ya car last time ya saw it?
I: It twas at the end of tiss key! (he held up a key alreadyin his hand) At this time the constable notices the Irishman has his manhood out.
C: Hey, Ar ya aware ya expoosing yaself?
I: Ohh God, They got me girl too!

A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs. The Brit says, "Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a finger. The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says, "Alright ya wee fucker. Spit it out! Now!"

A Mexican, Polack, Black, Italian, a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of Joke?"

Q: what is the definition of an Irish queer?
A: An Irishman who likes women better than whisky

Q: How can you tell if you're wasted?
A: When there are traces of blood in your alcohol stream

Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Does this need some kind of intro ?

1. Don't recognize wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass
2. That damn pink elephant followed you home again
3. You're as jober as a sudge
4. The shrubbery is drunk from too frequent watering
5. You fall off the floor
6. You hold on to the ground to keep from falling up

Q: Why did God make beer?
A: So the Irish wouldn't take over the world.

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.

A horse walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Symptoms of Beer Drinking

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was with them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon, looks around, and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

This guy walks into a bar with a large bullfrog perched on his head. "Where the hell did you get that?" asked the barman. "Well, the bullfrog replied - you won't believe it but it started as this little wart on my ass !"

A man limps into a bar with a cane and an alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hey, you can't bring that animal in here." The man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick." The bartender says "lets see." So, the man whips out his shlong and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts whacking the gator in the head. By now a crowd has gathered around and everyone is astonished when he pulls his dick out without a scratch. He looks around and says, "does anyone else want to try?" This old lady raises her hand and says... "Sure but don't hit me with that stick."

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar and notices a guy across the room downing shot after shot of whiskey. After about 6 shots the man gets up, goes to the window, opens it and jumps out.

The man at the bar, shocked, runs to the window and looks down. Right before the man is going to hit the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the ground.

The man sits back down at the bar, amazed. Then the guy that had jumped out the window comes in and downs a few more shots, goes to the window, and jumps out. Again, right before he hits the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the ground.

A minute later he's back up in the bar. The man sitting at the bar asks him how he did that. He said," There's a lot of wind down there and it always sets you down with no harm done."

"What the hell, I'm a daring guy anyway." So the man gets up, goes to the window, jumps out and falls straight to the ground.

The other man starts busting up laughing.

Then bartender then says to him," You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk"

A man walks into the bar and orders three double-shots of vodka. The bartender asks, "that's a lot of liquor, what's the problem?" The man replies, "I just found out my younger brother was gay." The next day, he comes back and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "What's wrong now?" The man says, "I just found out that my older brother is gay." The next day, he comes in again, and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "Man, isn't there anyone in your family that likes women?" He replies, "yeah, my wife."

A man goes into this bar and says to the bartender "I bet you fifty dollars that I can piss in a shot glass that is ten feet away with my hands tied behind my back and I'll even be blindfolded."

The bartender sees this as some easy money and agrees. The guy takes out his dick and the bartender blindfolds him, ties his hands behind his back, sets the shot glass up and says go ahead. The man starts pissing. He pisses all over the bar, the stools, and even the bartender but misses the shot glass. The bartender, laughing his ass off, unties the guys hands and unblindfolds him. Still laughing he says, "Well, it looks like you owe me fifty big ones". The guy says, "Yes I do and I'll be right back".

He goes over to another guy, takes something from him and goes back to the bartender. With a big smile on his face he hands the bartender fifty bucks and proudly says "Well, here you go". The bartender takes it and says " You know, you just made an ass of yourself and lost fifty bucks so why are you so happy?" The guy replies "Well, I just bet that man over there two hundred dollars that I could piss all over your bar and you, and that you would laugh about it".

FDA & Booze

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may lead you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING:consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally "disappear".

WARNING:consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

I think this needs some kind of intro ...

You know your drinking to much beer when: ???

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job is interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol system.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not.
9. Two hands and just one mouth. Now that's a drinking problem.
10. When you can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
13. You fall off the floor.
14. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
15. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner.
16. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
17. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
18. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
19. At an AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is.....uh.....
20. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
21. The whole bar says "hi" when you come in.
22. You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine Nicotine, Alcohol, & Women.
23. Every night your finding your roommate's cat more & more attractive.
24. Roseanne looks good.
25. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of a glass.
26. You have reserved parking at the liquor store.
27. You've fallen and you can't get up.
28. Beer tender! Get me another Bar!
29. The shrubbery is drunk too, from the frequent watering.
30. Take me drunk, I'm home!!

No, really, I'm OK to drive.
MEANING: I'm wasted and should have someone bring me home but I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

I'm not used to these darts.
MEANING: I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

Let's go out to my car and get some cigarettes. (w/ opposite sex)
MEANING: You would look great face down in my lap.

You get this one, next round is on me.
MEANING: We won't be here long enough to get another round.

I'll get this one, next one is on you.
MEANING: This place has dollar drafts, the beers are $4.50 a pop at the next bar.

I haven't seen you around here for a long time.
MEANING: You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

Hey, where is that friend of yours?
MEANING: I have no interest whatsoever in talking to you, other than that you're a way to get your friend into a compromising position.

Lets get out of here.
MEANING: I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

Can I get a glass of white Zinfindel. (female)
MEANING: I'm easy.

Can I get a glass of white Zinfindel. (male)
MEANING: I'm gay.

Ever try a body shot? (male to female)
MEANING: I am even willing to do a tequila shot if it means that I get to lick you.

Ever try a body shot? (female to male)
MEANING: If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home.

Look at that girl leaving with 5 guys.
MEANING: Take a good look now because next time you see that face it will be on the back of a milk carton.

I don't feel well, let's go home. (female)
MEANING: You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

I don't feel well, let's go home. (male)
MEANING: I'm horny.

I've had like 10 beers already.
MEANING: I've only had 3, but I need an excuse to behave this way.

Who's got the next round?
MEANING: I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

I'm getting my life back together.
MEANING: Are you kidding? Would I be in a place like this, rocked off my as, if I had my act together? I'm a mess; fear and avoid me like the plague.

Excuse me. (male to female)
MEANING: I am going to grope you.

Excuse me. (male to male)
MEANING: Get the fuck out of the way.

Excuse me. (female to male)
MEANING: Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

Excuse me. (female to female)
MEANING: Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho. Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning.
MEANING: I owe that guy who just walked in the door $100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.

What do you have on tap?
MEANING: What's cheap?

You go ahead, I'll catch a cab.
MEANING: I already lined up a ride home with your ex-girlfriend.

That person looks really familiar.
MEANING: Did I sleep with him/her.

Can I just get a glass of water? (female)
MEANING: I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

Can I just get a glass of water? (male)
MEANING: It's 9:00 am and I just stopped drinking about 90 minutes ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

Do you have any Wild Turkey.
MEANING: I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

I don't have my ID on me.
MEANING: I'm 19.
Or
MEANING: I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .4 last time I was in here.

It's OK, I'll just go home with him.
MEANING: There's a good chance that my life will end up as the Monday Night Shocker Movie on NBC.

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours, when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You!!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

Quotable Beer Quotes

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
- Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
- Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
- W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
- His Reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
- David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
- Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us, and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline, it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer, and I will conquer the world.
- Kaiser Welhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
- Homer Simpson

There was this party in the woods, and all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain.

These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up.

They jumped in the car, started it up, and headed down the road, laughing, and of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkkk!! Look out my window!! There's an old guy's face there!!" (was this a ghost!?)

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little, and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?"

The passenger terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"

Well offer him a cigarette! "HURRY!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette. He then yells "Step on it!, rolling up the window in terror!

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"

The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast!"

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window, and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaa", there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden, again there is more knocking!

"Oh my God!!!" HE"S BACK! he rolls down the window and screams out,"WHAT DO YOU WANT!? in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party. So he says to his new wife:

"Honey, I'll be right back......."

"Where are you going coochi cooh...?" asks, the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face." "I'm going to go have a beer."

The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him: "You want a beer my love....?"Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc......

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: "Yes, loolie, loolie...but the bar...you know...the frozen glass..."

He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying: "You want a frozen glass puppy face....? "She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it.

The husband looking a bit pale says: "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh...?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres...chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.......

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know... the swearing, the dirty words and all that............"

"You want dirty words cutie pie....HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SHIT HORS D'OEUVRES, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place.

Man: "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80 (man gives his wife a dirty look) .

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry. You've known about that tail light for weeks(man gives his wife another dirty look) .

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You never wear your seat belt.

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks: Ma'am, does you husband talk to you this way all the time?

Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer, I can't do that. I am asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.

"Well then, we need a urine sample."

I'm sorry Officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk"

The 5 Stages of Drunkenness

Stage 1 - Smart - This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - Good Looking - This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - Rich - This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cuz you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - Bullet Proof - You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you also challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH, and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - Invisible - This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you. And because you're still SMART, you know all the words.

86 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man

1. A beer makes life easier.
2. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
3. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
4. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
5. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
6. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
7. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
8. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
9. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
10. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
11. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
12. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
13. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
14. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
15. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
16. A beer will never smell like a man.
17. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
18. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
19. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
20. A beer doesn't sulk.
21. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
22. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
23. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
24. A beer doesn't snore.
25. A beer can't interrupt.
26. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburetor.
27. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
28. A beer doesn't belch.
29. Or fart.
30. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
31. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
32. A good beer is easy to find.
33. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
34. A beer can't pout.
35. A beer doesn't have a mother.
36. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
37. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
38. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
39. A beer won't even mind if you have another six pack.
40. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
41. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
42. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
43. A beer doesn't want children.
44. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
45. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
46. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
47. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
48. Hangovers go away.
49. A beer tastes good.
50. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
51. A beer would never leave hair in the bottom of the bathtub.
52. A beer is never late.
53. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
54. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
55. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
56. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
57. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
58. A beer never needs a shave.
59. You don't have to let a beer win.
60. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
61. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too.
62. A beer doesn't have morning breath.
63. A beer never wants to go to the drag races.
64. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
65. A beer helps with the housework.
66. A beer will never drink the last beer.
67. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
68. You can't get herpes from a beer.
69. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
70. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
71. A beer is seldom messy.
72. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
73. After you've had a beer, all you're committed to doing is throwing out the container.
74. A beer container is recyclable.
75. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
76. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
77. A beer is never temperamental.
78. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
79. A cold beer is a good beer.
80. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
81. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
82. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
83. A beer is never too sensitive.
84. A beer won't steal the covers.
85. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
86. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.

Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you.
5. When a beer goes flat, you toss it.
6. There is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO reason number six.
7. Hangovers go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never had a headache.
12. After you have had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come home.
22. A frigid beer is a good beer.
23. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
24. Beer always comes in multiples of six
25. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left
26. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer
27. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle
28. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty
29. When your beer is gone, you just pop another
30. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod
31. Beer looks the same in the morning
32. Beer doesn't look you up in a month
33. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in
34. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids
35. Beer doesn't get cramps
36. Beer doesn't have a mother
37. Beer doesn't have morals
38. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month
39. Beer always listens and never argues
40. Beer labels don't go out of style every year
41. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles
42. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet
43. Beer doesn't demand legality
44. Beer is never overweight
45. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony
46. Beer won't run off with your credit cards
47. Beer doesn't have a lawyer
48. Beer doesn't need much closet space
49. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things
50. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive
51. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch
52. Beer never changes it's mind
53. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get
54. Beer never asks you to change the station
55. Beer doesn't make you go shopping
56. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass
57. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks
58. Big, fat beers are nice to have
59. Beer doesn't pout or play games
60. Beer NEVER says no
61. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere
62. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers
63. Beer doesn't wear a bra
64. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty
65. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity
66. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper
67. Beer doesn't live with its mother
68. Beer doesn't blow you off
69. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners
70. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry
71. Beer doesn't mind football season
72. Beer won't make you go to church.
73. Beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
74. Beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
75. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
76. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
77. Beer is never late.
78. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".
79. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
80. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
81. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on yer fave radio station.
82. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
83. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
84. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
85. A beer won't whine that seat belts hurt.
86. A beer won't smoke in your car.
87. A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
88. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
89. A beer will actually _support_ belching and farting and share yer enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
90. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
91. A beer never fishes for compliments.
92. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
93. Beer tastes _good_.
94. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape".
95. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on yer VCR.
96. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
97. A beer won't think the Circle Jerks are gross just because they're called the Circle Jerks. (They _are_ gross, but that's not why).
98. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
99. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy "just for the articles". (You _are_ lying, but the beer won't accuse you of it).
100. A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.
101. A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse "but I saved a quarter!"
102. A beer will _never_ make you go to a Swedish movie.
103. A beer will _never_ make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
104. A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
105. A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
106. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't make you ill.
107. You don't have to say "I love you" to a beer.
108. You don't have to impress a beer.
109. You don't have to see your beer every night.
110. Beer goes on sale.

Hopunion makes no claim to Copyright for the jokes and funnies on this page. They have been contributed by friends and customers and are used here for your general enjoyment.

 

 

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